i am irked. peeved. disgruntled. malcontented. put out. unappeased. vexed. embittered. stymied. huffish. miffed. nettled. waspish. petulent. cantankerous. irascible. cross. not ending my day exceedingly well.
- posted by mer @ 11:32 PM ~

 
sarah bare: today would be such a perfect day to smoke opium...
- posted by mer @ 1:55 PM ~

 
goodbye spring break...it's been fun
- posted by mer @ 8:02 PM ~

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAEBETH AND CHRISTIANA!!!

- posted by mer @ 12:43 PM ~

 



- posted by mer @ 12:35 AM ~

 
it's so much easier to deal with jet lag when you have an oc on tape just waiting to be viewed...

- posted by mer @ 11:59 PM ~

 
heh heh. today we went to sea world. i got to feed sea lions and dolphins, and pet the dolphins. they feel like wet rubber. it's kinda freaky. we also saw the ring 2, which isn't really scare, just a bit tense...you're kinda sitting there the whole time waiting for the resolution. i liked it about as much as the first one, which is to say i found it mildly entertaining. it's actually cold out there right now. i gave in and bought a san diego zip up hoodie just because it was so freezing. i like it though. peace out.
- posted by mer @ 9:23 PM ~

 
woot! greetings from san diego! i'm seriously enjoying the southern california thing. well, technically, san diego is not classified in the lower ranks of 'southern california' it's just "san diego," but it's SO much fun here. so many places to go shopping here! i'm gonna go completely broke, but i don't mind! it's worth it. and i'm already somewhat tan. la jolla is the prettiest town/city/suburb thingy EVER! it's this beach town just outside san diego where only the really really really filthy rich people can afford to live, but it's got a great beach with natural cave thingies and even more fabulous shopping. i got tons of pictures. and postcards. so some of you can expect a postcard at some point. :D i'll probably be updating more later, since the hotel has this business center thingy with computer access. hope everyone's spring break is awesome!!
- posted by mer @ 11:48 AM ~

 
my term paper is DONE! it's fabulous. it only sucks a little, i'm happy with it. school is effectively over. i'm going to be on my way to california in about twelve hours. i'm happy. :D i probably won't be posting much over spring break, have a FABULOUS week everyone!!!!!
- posted by mer @ 10:40 PM ~

 
woot! lava lamp making instruction cd thingy came today! caitlin? you and me? last saturday and sunday of spring break? my place? hot chemicals? i am SO there. woot. and i have four and a half pages of my research paper done. i am happy. happy as a clam. although clams aren't very happy. they can't swim, then they get eaten. oh well, i'm HAPPIER than a clam then!

- posted by mer @ 9:48 PM ~

 
*taking fruzsina home, there were 2 two men and a trucks stopped right next to each other at the stop light*
me: look! two two men and a trucks!
fruzinsa: so that's two men, and four trucks!
*pause*
fruzsina: wait....

it was very amusing.
- posted by mer @ 3:40 PM ~

 
awesome story: i was taking fruzsina home from dress rehearsal tonight, and we saw a LIVE POSSUM SUCCESSFULLY CROSSING THE ROAD!!! well rather, i saw it...fruzsina turned around too slowly and pretty much missed it...but it was really cool~! i'd never seen a live possum before. they're actually kinda cute when they're not all squished.

it was kindof a fat possum. it waddled across the road. slowly. i see why they don't usually make it all the way.
- posted by mer @ 10:54 PM ~

 
'I am a Scandanavian Oak Tree....' -Greg Eklund
- posted by mer @ 11:37 PM ~

 

- posted by mer @ 11:05 PM ~

 
wow...not going to rehearsal really has its advantages. i finished ALL of the homework that's due tomorrow!!! that hasn't happened in....forever! (well, we aren't counting calculus and chemistry because i never do chemistry and calculus isn't *due* tomorrow....it's due like, next tuesday. so it totally doesn't count)AND, i also had time to watch gilmore girls. which was very good. quickly becoming my favorite show. i'll have to wait until thursday to start to make the ever-important decision: which show is better, the oc or gilmore girls. because oc is not *quite* as good as it was last year, and gilmore girls is *way* better than it was last year. so it's pretty close. i'm just glad they come on on different nights. or else i'd have a serious vcr conflict. not to mention time...eh, it's not like homework is important...
- posted by mer @ 10:45 PM ~

 
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck
If I cut my arm bleeding

This is my last resort

Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck
If I cut my arm bleeding
Do you even care
If I died bleeding?

Would it be wrong or
Would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight
And I'm contemplating suicide

Cause I'm losing my sight,
Losing my mind,
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight ,
Losing my mind,
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

I never realized
I was spread too thin
Till it was too late
And I was empty within
Hungry feeding on chaos and living in sin
Downward spiral, where do I begin
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself
And no love for another
Searching to find a love upon a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils

Cause I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind,
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight,
Losing my mind,
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

Nothing's alright
Nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I'm crying(x4)

I can't go on living this way

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck
If I cut my arm bleeding
Would it be wrong or
Would it be right?
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might.
Mutilation out of sight.
And I'm contemplating suicide.

Cause I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind,
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

Nothing's alright
Nothing is fine

I'm running and I'm crying

I can't go on living this way

Can't go on
Living this way
Nothing's all...right!
-papa roach
- posted by mer @ 11:46 PM ~

 
anything in the world can be undone in five minutes. that's a very frightening throught. all the power that entails. and all you really need is one of many household objects. or, if nothing presents itself, a quiet bench out of the way. once you have that, you can have all the power and control you'll ever need. ever. and for once, there is no responsibility to go along with it. not unless you want there to be. that would defeat the object. ignore whatever you like. the rest of the world does. but that's different. ask anyone. sometimes you don't even have to ask. people are kind enough to interject unasked with their unwanted ever-so-wise opinions. i wish people wouldn't read into things so much. 'get the fuck away from me' generally means just that. but in a town as shitty as winston-salem, there is nowhere you can find a group of people who realize just that. nosy busy-bodies with good intentions to turn someone into the perfect little christian is all you'll ever find here. i wish i could shove a big stick up *my* ass and suddenly always be right and be the model person for everyone i could possibly meet. let's all go back to donna reed land and lead perfect, stupid, meaningless little lives and give everyone false hope and misguided impressions about what the real world is like. if nothing else, it'd be a good laugh to watch them figure out how wrong they were as they're thrown to the streets in a world that is only concerned with its own motives and values. this is the world that will discuss the horrors of the world, but do nothing at all to change them. nothing. in this world, 56-1=0...and it does. it's horrible and pointless, but it does. if you think about it. all that, and one little tiny thing puts you back at zero. if it's always going to be like that, then i guerss there's no point in even trying to start over...
************
i can still hear his voice. i can still see his face, and i can still feel his arms around me as i hugged him goodbye. that was never, ever supposed to be the last time. he wasn't supposed to die. he wasnj't supposed to leave all of us without his smile and positivity and cheerfulness and everything else we collectively lack. there's this huge, gaping hole inside all of us now...i want you back. i want the holidays to feel right again. i want to know you're ok, and i want to tell you i love you, and i always will. i don't want that grave to stare back at me. i don't want all that's left to be five or six words carved in stone. i wanted 49 to keep going to something far longer and happier. i wanted all of you there at my graduation, smiling, happy, and whole. not the torn remainder that you so unwillingly left behind. i want you to be there to hold and comfort me. not be the absense that 'makes me feel so empty and useless. i don't want to walk away like that. i said two goodbyes that day. i'd give anything for you to be just where she is, safe and at home, and surrounded by loving people who will be there no matter what. i want to remember you how you were when i was six, and you were dressed as a giant M&M. i wish i never had to see you tired from chemo beyond what anyone should have to endure. i hate that that's how i saw you last. i hate watching death approach and be able to do nothing to stop it. i hate even more watching everyone try to move on without you. i hate the christmas card without you in it. i hate that the same thing will happen to thousands of other people and nothing will have changed. it's so stupid and meaningless. there is no greater good or cause worth dying for. just a big, stupid, pointless emptiness capable of tearing me apart. it's doing a pretty damn good job of it too.
- posted by mer @ 10:53 PM ~

 
i <3 dark chocolate
- posted by mer @ 2:14 PM ~

 





- posted by mer @ 11:52 PM ~

 
you know salem has eaten your life when: you're curled up in the big comfy chair with the laptop in front of you, and itunes playing a song you don't want to listen to right now, but the touchpad is too far away to actually click "next" and you're comfortable curled up into a tiny ball and using a dog toy as a pillow and wish the world could just be a cozy place where people sleep and listen to crappy music. this week is sucking, and it's only tuesday. although hollis's note (i got mail that wasn't from a college or the army!) made opening the mail fun. and that lazyboy song from my last post made me smile. but salem SUCKS. salem is killing me. salem is like, the most horrible thing that's ever happened, and i still want to cry from that stupid math take-home portion of the test that i really don't understand how to do, which is so frustrating because i understand the concept, the concept makes sense, but i'm completely incapable of successfully even SETTING IT UP! let alone answering the stupid analytical questions you can only do *after* you do the stupid equation, so i'm going to get like an F- on that section, and my head hurts, and i've been chewing on my thumb nail (nervous habit. comes back every now and then when i'm over-stressed and under-sleeped) and now it's kinda....shorter than is a comfortable length, so if i touch anything just wrong with it, it kinda makes an ouchy noise. damn. my thumb doesn't make noise. i'm losing it. i want my sanity back. not entirely sure when it got lost. probably a couple years ago. and i'm losing the ability to spell. or form complete sentences. and itunes shuffle is totally not agreeing with my mood right now. not helping. ok, rant over.
- posted by mer @ 10:46 PM ~

 
"underwear goes inside the pants" by lazyboy is an excellent song....well...sortof a commentary by a band with a bit of musical background. anyway, very excellent. it made me laugh very very hard on my way home, and this is after an incredibly shitty day, so i really didn't expect to be laughing b/c of what i heard on the radio. it's great. and i just bought it on itunes so i can listen to it whenever i need to smile. well, whenever i need to smile and have my ipod within reach to help me... close enough. but yeah. i don't know how i lived before i had my ipod. it's such a part of my daily life. it really really is. i'm listening to itunes now...and i've gotten spoiled. when i'm in my car and i have to listen to an entire cd all the way through..it's confusing! i like being able to shuffle every single band i own into one random mix, and then listen to it at my leisure. *pout* my car isn't as smart as my ipod.
- posted by mer @ 10:37 PM ~